12–15.06.2026
The country was one year past its 200th birthday in 1977. Our living room televisions, when the adults let us near them, had all of three channels, one for each existing network. Every Tuesday night, however, the dial was set on ABC to pay deference to the unifying paragon of cool for all 11 year olds: Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli from the sitcom Happy Days.
Producer Garry Marshall had tapped into a nascent nostalgia for a bygone era that, in the middle of rampant inflation and disastrous foreign entanglements, was quickly receding in the rearview mirror. Unlike CBS’s boundary-pushing programs such as All in the Family, and it’s spin-off, The Jeffersons, or even NBC’s Sanford and Son, the trials and travails of Milwaukee’s Cunningham family was pure escapism, but even dewy-eyed fantasy has its limits.
The three-part episode that opened the show’s fifth season found the usual suspects in Hollywood where, for some fucking reason, Fonzie had to jump over a live shark in waterskis (To be clear, the Fonz wore waterskis, not the shark, but would that be any less ridiculous?).
The episode become synonymous for a point when, according to Wikipedia, “a creative work or entity has evolved and reached a point in which it has exhausted its core intent and is introducing new ideas that are discordant with or an extreme exaggeration (caricature) of its original theme or purpose.” Which brings us to yesterday.
For three weeks now, visitors to the nation’s capital were treated to the erection of a 92-foot-tall, 600-ton steel canopy called, “The Claw,” on the White House South Lawn. Originally built by a Belgian stage company for music festivals in Europe, the massive structure was retrofitted with red, white, and blue and shipped across the ocean for “UFC Freedom 250,” an event ostensively created to celebrate the country’s semiquincentennial, but held on TFG’s* 80th birthday in his backyard, so… yea.
In addition to the planned mixed martial arts fights, the event featured stunt rider Travis Pastrana performing a backflip over the octagon on a dirt bike. Seriously, did no one think to bring a shark? And, nothing says “Freedom!” like Bud Lite and Monster Energy Drink logos flying high over greased up dudes beating the shit out of each other. Personally, I don’t follow MMA, but I’m not going to kink-shame anyone who enjoys the sport. I do have to say, however, that as a writer of speculative fiction, this timeline is starting to piss me off.
Of course, no Whitetrashpalooza is complete without blatant racism and misogyny. After puking on himself during weigh-in, Josh Hokum went on to win his heavyweight bout, after which, apropos to nothing, he claimed, “Michelle Obama is a man. Am I right, America?”
I don’t often claim to speak for America, but in this instance allow me to say what I should not have to fucking say, “You are incorrect, you rotten piece of shit.”
Arthur Fonzarelli made his jump over the shark, Happy Days played out another six seasons, and Henry Winkler, the actor who played The Fonz went on to become a cherished American icon. In stark contrast, this weekend the country landed squarely on its own dick. It remains to be seen if we are picked up for another season.
*This Fucking Guy
Román Leão 
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